The Where Can We Put Patrick? Debate (or Dictate PBA's Future)

Sadly, though the everyday scenes of toiletback gore in hostel bathrooms indicate many mochileros are having as much trouble coping, I've exhausted all my endurance for the brutality being waged in my belly.  What I'm carrying, harboring, isn't temporary.  This is full fledged fuckin' possession.  I've been owned.

There is no longer debate.  If the Bolivian-Japanese stomach coalitation can't cure me -- chances they can even diagnose me correctly approximately equivalent to those of Barry taking Usain Bolt in the 100m, or of me ever asking Barry to sing me a lullaby, or anything resembling a song, anything that requires even the most elementary ability to carry a tune -- I'll be home within a few weeks, as soon as I can figure out how to navigate the thirty plus hour bus stretch from La Paz to Lima without embarrasing myself, without soiling my reputation. Gross. Something of a psychic, I can see myself poppin' bottles of bowel-cloggers and refraining from eating for several days.  Which is the worst sounding proposition I've ever encountered, but circumstantially practical.  I reread that sentence and a whimpery dammmn just mustered itself over my lips before disintegrating into inaudible particles of despair. (Update: I'll be touching down at CLT late on May 3.)

Once back in the States, where I'll remain for the rest of 2010, at least (before jumping back into travel, presumably picking back up in South America), the big question is where?  What follows is a not necessarily closed list of locations to which I'm considering temporarily relocating, corresponding pluses and minuses, and an open invitation to any and all to help influence my decision.  Sell yuh city, suckas.

• Raleigh, North Carolina
• Pros: My most frequently visited city, for the residence of a number of great boozing buddies, the best Detroit style coneys outside of MI, and Lilly's Pizza.  The 'Canes.  Chapel Hill is nearby and, in general, Raleigh is a young city.  Multiple tailgating opportunities every Saturday in the fall.  Oh, let's just say it, college girls!  Southern Belles! Now shower me with "Predator!" 
• Cons: Reliable public transit?  Job opportunities?
• Chapel Hill, North Carolina
• Pros: Friends in and around the area, bars and restaurants all walkable.  It's the better weather Ann Arbor.  And a surplus of college and just-outta-college girls.  Good pickup basketball.  Maybe I can score Duke tickets in the fall?
• Cons: The nauseating sea of baby blue.  No current job prospects.
• The Charlotte Metropolitan area, North Carolina
• Pros: This is my home.  I represent D-town, don't get it twisted.  My main folk, aka tha 'rents, and a group of, to repeat the word, beloved core relatives live in the immediate area. I have countless friends in the area, and I know which bars have pint specials when, which grungy venues have the best shows, and when my friends in One Another are rocking out.  The restaurant scene is strong. The weather is bearable in the summer, mild in the winter, even affording us the occasional cute dusting of snow, and the spring and fall are heavenly.  I also have connections I can exploit for jobs.  Importantly, there's a large Latin population with whom I can mantain my Spanish.
• Cons: Public transit exists, so I've heard.  I've lived in the area practically my entire life.
• Asheville, North Carolina
• Pros: Cool vibe, cool people (including some friends), really it's like a little Denver, CO.  More important than the people, there's the Highland Brewery.  'Nuff said.
• Cons: No job prospects to speak of, and does public transport exist?
• Chucktown, South Carolina
• Pros: College girls...at the beach. Jeeeeeeeeeesus christo! Shrimp 'n' grits. A number of close friends who might even be able to offer a room.
• Cons: No job prospects.  And how good's the public transport?
• Miami, Florida
• Pros: We might as well be talking Latin America. Cuban food. The weather, the beaches. Public transport. One of my main homegirls lives there, and probably other friends as well.
• Cons: Dexter copycats and an expensive city.
• ATL and NoLa
• Pros: Both are dirty south, Ludacris and Li'l Boosie (well, in Baton Rouge.  Wait, he's in prison for the next 4 years). Soul food. Multicultural areas.  Boobies for beads!
• Cons: Hot and sticky. Public transit and job prospects?
• Austin, Texas
• Pros: A college town, young population, etc.
• Cons: I don't know anything else about Austin, certainly nothing job related.
• Washington, D.C.
• Pros: An awesome city, with public transport, friends, and my main homie, Li'l Brodus.  Generally a place I'd love to live.  I hear there's a train that runs to NYC? Either way, there's Jet Blue.  I'd say it's about time I make good on those promises to visit NYC.  Ovechkin.  Lots of Latin folk, too.
• Cons: Lack of job hookups and $$$!
• NYC
• Pros: Not sure, but people tell me it's crazy, as in awesome.  Plus there's the public transit system, and I do have at least a few friends left in the city.  Oh, and pizza.  Even if a slice costs as much as an entire pie back home.  But maybe Latin American street eats can ease the pain?  NYC is playground hoops.  Two pro hockey teams!
• Cons: Expensive as a muhfucka.  Cold winters.  And, again, no particular job prospects.
• Boston, MA
• Pros: A cool city, people with cool accents, and clam chowder.  I've got some good friends in the city,too.  Plus amazing, Canasta-expert relatives (that I potentially exploit for work?) living not far away.  And lotttttttttts of college girls.  Some that'll be into the NE brand of hardcore. And maybe hockey. And if not, I'll be befriending drug dealers selling GH--, er, wait...
• Cons: The winter and cost of living.
• Ann Arbor, Michigan:
• Pros: The quintessential college city, walkable (and runnable), with house parties and cheap beer specials and myriad restaurants (noteably the selection of superlative middle eastern food, for the concentration of middle easterners in the area, and coneys!). The outdoor basketball courts by the CCRB fill up in the late afternoon, and decent pickup soccer is never a problem. Then there's the proximity to Kalamazoo's Bell's Brewery, which means plenty of fresh Two Hearted. And the summer is divine, especially over a few pints. Plus I have beloved relatives living nearby, and boy do they know how to have a good time (and eat)!
• Cons: The winter. See, I think snow is cute for a few days. Plus I have no particular job prospects, and am unsure if I have any friends left in the city. Lastly, an angry practically-midget ex-friend threatened in late 2008 to smash a bottle over my head on sight for stealing, no, temporarily borrowing his girlfriend. Whoops.
• A newly occuring pro: I'm not sure the Little Iranian can reach my head, and I'm offering neither stool nor knee nor boost of any variety. Plus his girlfriend might still be around...
• Chicago, IL
• Pros: Reliable, urine-scented public transit.  A playground basketball tradition. Pizza. Friends from Northwestern and back home. I wouldn't have to go anywhere for Lollapalooza. Maybe I could make friends with Twista. And if not, a strong punk rock tradition.
• Cons: Expensive. And, again, that daunting lack of job prospects.  And Candyman.
• Aspen, Colorado
• Pros: Beautiful town, mountains, and a situation in which I'll no longer have an excuse to try skiing.  Plus, one of my best friends lives there, and maybe a kickass cousin as well, if she herself doesn't relocate.  I've even been promised job help, and I hear the young folk in town keep the party lively.  And, as I'm already accustomed to running at altitude against breathtaking backdrops...
• Cons: Expensive, and maybe a bit isolated?  How far's Denver?  Can I get Bell's Two Hearted on tap?
• Portlands, Oregon and Maine
• Pros: I don't think it'll be a problem getting Bell's, or any other delicious beer, on tap. An impressive variety of excellent restaurants.  Friends in one, a favorite cousin in another. Seafood!  Euthanasia? The Latin population in Oregon is said to be growing.
• Cons: Hippies. Just kidding! But, seriously, is a shower that painful? 'Cause I kinda dig deodorized alternative chicks. Not sure about job prospects in either.  Are they expensive? How's public transit? How will I practice my Spanish in Maine?
• Seattle, Washington
• Pros: Friends in the city, iuncluding at least one great friend (who has mentioned she'll help me with finding a job).  The music scene, the restaurant scene.  Don't know much else.
• Cons: Public transport? Is it expensive? Where's the sun? Are there Latin folk?
• San Francisco, California
• Pros: I liked it when I visited, long ago, and I have a number of friends in the city. Seafood! Good beer. Public transport. Spanish to be spoken.
• Cons: Expennnn$ive. No job prospects to speak of.

That's it, now convince me.